It’s been a little while since I updated my Tinder series and for the sake of being honest…I totally met someone on Tinder. Gross, right? Sounds weird to write out loud. Totally fucked up my blog plans, too. I had all these big dreams of me going on a zillion dates, Sex In The City style, getting wined and dined and meeting loads of new people. Writing blogs about my escapades and all the terrible but hilarious things that had happened. Currently, that’s all been ruined. Me and my Tinder squeeze have seen each other a lot in the short space of time since I wrote last but I’m trying not to worry what other people might say or what’s ‘normal’ and just do what we want. I like hanging out with him, I think he likes hanging out with me so we might as well hang out as regularly as we like/have time for before one of us inevitably changes our minds, gets bored and it’s back to square one. (says the pessimistic realist)
Rather than trying to explain how this one nerd made it through the Tinder net, I thought I’d post a little bit more about the ones that didn’t. I took a load of screenshots after the last time I wrote about this, so there’s a bunch I hadn’t managed to mention in the original blog post Things That Make Me Swipe Left On Tinder (check it out if you missed it!) It’s much easier to get put off by someones Tinder profile than it is for someone to catch your eye, the reasons for swiping no can be pretty vast whilst the yes swipes are rarer than Dragonite.
I’m not attracted to you. Thought I’d get the mean part out of the way first. Sounds super shallow but yeah, honestly, if I don’t find you at least potentially a little bit attractive then it’s not going to go anywhere. There’s no knowing fully from Tinder photos but I’ll obviously know whether I think they’re good looking or not, or if their bio gives me instant avoid vibes. This includes cringe photos – topless selfies aren’t always the end of the world but I’ve seen so many where the guy is wearing a t-shirt but has it pulled up and resting above his nipples…that is just weird. I’d also avoid anyone that strongly goes against things that are important to me or take up a big chunk of my life. For example, anyone anti-fitness, anti-vegetarian or generally unaware of animal cruelty related issues. Note that this attitude is very different to someone that doesn’t work out and eats meat, those things don’t bother me. However, pictures of dudes with drugged out tigers, standing on dolphin noses or holding some kind of animal abroad in a photo-op type situation is so not my thing. Personal choice, I know, but I don’t like it. Really awful spelling/punctuation does my head in as well. Small mistakes are fine – I’m fully aware I’m not even that good with it myself but the below profile just kills my soul a little. 25 years old and you still type like this…almost acceptable but surely you could just not do it for this little dating bio, just this once, please?
You seem like a right twat. A straight-up, no holds barred, twat. You probably think you are hilarious and a proper Bantersaurus Rex but it just makes me shudder. Obviously everything on Tinder is based on judgements, so in now way am I saying these men are any of these things, just it’s how I digest their profiles and make my decision on swiping. There are more profiles than you’d expect that literally tell you to ‘fuck off’ as you read them or are generally offensive, I’ll delve into that a bit more later.
There are different ways that this could be worded that would make it acceptable ‘banter’. However, as it is, never taking anything seriously…not attractive. Winding people up, smoking, boozing, harsh insults etc…not attractive. The term ‘hamster abortion’…definitely not attractive. This is obviously someone trying pretty hard to be funny but I leave the profile by swiftly eye rolling myself into another dimension. The comment on his ‘experience’ screams bitterness to me. There are so many bitter profiles on Tinder, complaining about stuff they hate that girls do or bad past experiences. Why is that all you have to say for yourself?! I think almost every boyfriend has cheated on me at some point but that’s not my opening line. I deal with creepy men all day, every day online and, somehow, that didn’t make it into my Tinder profile either. You’re supposed to be getting people interested in speaking to you. Who wants to talk to a self-pitying whingebag? Definitely not me. The below profile could have simply put across that he’s fun and likes cakes, cats and geeky stuff which sounds way more my type already. I love cake, cats and still play Pokemon Go but this was a definite left-swipe I’m afraid. Another one closes his bio with, “This app is a waste of time”…alright, grumpy guts, delete it then and stop wasting everyone elses time, yeah?
You try too hard. “Good guy in a bad world” alongside your topless selfie in bed…no, no, no. Anyone that says “work hard, play hard” or mentions that they’re a nice guy unlike ‘the rest‘. Sometimes I did find peoples profiles ‘too nice’…too soppy, too serious, it feels like pressure and I think makes me assume they are immature to be going in full pelt on an online Tinder bio. It seems a bit disingenuous, someone that wants to be in a relationship for the sake of it rather than meet someone they click with, someone that says all of the right things (or so they think) or someone just so ‘nice’ that they come across like a bit of a soggy biscuit. Personally, I like men to have a bit of charm and cheekiness to them rather than being total wet blankets. Maybe I’m just a total emo and this stuff just doesn’t personally resonate with me.
Lot’s of profiles are waaaay too long, so much writing to read that really doesn’t need to be there and many have a weird almost role-play-like theme going on.One reads; “relationships are based on a solid point based system. For full T’s & C’s contact the patent holder”…For some reason I actually matched with this guy as I was unsure of the vibe in this humour but the conversation went as follows:
You give me proper sexist vibes. This ones the cherry on the cake and probably responsible for far too many of my left-swipes. It bothers me on different scales but still comes back to the same principles. Sometimes I’ll make this judgement purely on the photos; way too much nudity = lad vibes. This includes being naked except for patent leather lederhosen with your legs open, foot in an empty pizza box and putting on what I assume you would refer to as ‘the gun show‘. Wearing only a Santa Claus Mankini and Christmas hat, or nothing but a leaf over your man bits is also a no from me. I’m not really into the lad stereotype that this sort of stuff perpetuates, even though they might not be like that at all, these photos are all I have to go on and I have to try and make a reasonable judgement. One of the previously mentioned terrible bios also had a photo of him with a blow-up doll…Cool.
Lot’s of profiles are a concoction of different offensive attitudes and negative attributes – it was kind of hard to differentiate between sexist, bitter or try-hard for some of them. The guy below obviously thinks he’s funny but he’s still cringing me out massively. The whole “daddy issues” comment along with the use of the word dick and his nickname for Instagram make me shudder so much. I repeat, you do not need to list your bitter dislikes as your Tinder bio.
Continuing on track with bios criticising girls looks, lots of guys complain about make-up, the way girls dress etc and it’s just so irritating. These things aren’t even relevant to me – I don’t wear a lot of make-up, have daddy issues, seek attention, wear padded bras or even know how to contour but it STILL irritates me so much to read this kind of crap indirectly aimed at other women. Your profile is about you, you absolute empty soul.
Another avenue to explore is overtly sexual bios. I’ve posted a few before but there’s a couple I missed out that I’ll wrap up with for your viewing pleasure, you lucky devils.
Thanks for reading!
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