Warning: This blog involves details about the NOPE side of Tinder. I am fully aware that these things will be opinion based, judgements, assumptions and personal dislikes but that’s what Tinder is! Please don’t be offended if I say I hate green hats and you have a room full of them. Someone, somewhere is going to love you and your hat collection.
Generally, everything *seems* to be going okay on Tinder. My friends keep asking me about what creepy messages I’ve been getting but the truth is, clearly if I thought someone was creepy, I wouldn’t right-swipe them and they can’t contact you! Any girls having problems with lot’s of oddballs in their inbox, I can only assume, must be being way more liberal with that right swipe. My ‘nope’ swipes are probably my most judgmental decisions, though – it’s pretty easy to decide what you definitely *don’t* want but trying to figure out what you *do* want can be a little more unclear.
The reason this blog started was due to the reaction to the mini-meltdown of ranty tweets I was firing out on Twitter, which got a lot more interaction from my sadistic followers than usual. Twitter can be really weird, many of my followers have said their favourite thing about my feed are my disgruntled tweets about the UKs rail service. What?! You just want to know that I’m having a terrible time being late, sat on a floor by a bin with a train full of people whose acquaintance I’d never want to make. Thanks guys.
Upon logging into the app I instantly discover that many things make me swipe left, usually an abundance of nopes form the final, definite nope but I’ll try and filter this down so we don’t take all day. If you’re a man and you’re wondering why you don’t get any matches, maybe this will enlighten you a little – but, hey, it’s only the opinion of one woman in England. There’s someone out there for everyone…
It could be your bio. I have come across so many gross, offensive, unreadable or just totally passive aggressive, whiney bios – the amount of bios I’ve read threatening “if you don’t message me, I’ll unmatch you” is pretty shocking. Mostly because, if she doesn’t message you mate, she doesn’t care. Crass/explicit bios aren’t my thing either – “I will eat vegan pussy like fruit salad” just makes me cringe. Another boasts, “voted least rapey of all my friends”and the next describes himself as “Utter cunt and proud”…I mean, thanks for being honest but that’s a definite no I’m afraid. One even writes that if you’ve matched and don’t message him, you’re a ‘mong’.
You give me misogynist or stereotypical ‘lad’ vibes.
Your totally ‘hilair’ misogynist bio whilst you grin, shirt undone, showing off your bad tattoos definitely doesn’t make me want to swipe right. Who the actual hell swipes right for that man?! I don’t understand. I don’t even know what he’s talking about to be honest, sandwiches make him erect? I shall here-by refer to him as only ‘the breadophile’ and so far he’s the only discovery of this species I’ve made. A match we do not make. Another says, “I like banging and boning” – a musical pun, but still no for me. If you mention how funny you are, three times, in one short bio, you’re just not. If you mention Nando’s THREE TIMES…left swipe. I don’t like snapchats being the only thing in the bio either…it just screams dick pics and I get enough of that on Instagram. No women (or very, very few) want to see unflattering, horribley lit, disgusting photos of your bellend. We just don’t.
You genuinely think your Gods Gift:
I can’t even analyse this because I hate everything about it so much. You’re only 2km away from me and I want to move countries, tonight.
That doesn’t sound fun. No one thinks that sounds fun. All this tells me is that you have no idea what you’re doing if you think that the best thing you can say is “I go all night“…Do you? Do you really? It’s quite an aggressive approach really, what if someones had enough? ‘Sorry but I did warn you, I go all night’ – LEFT. I left-swipe anyone looking for casual fun. You’re totally allowed and I think that’s best to get out of the way early – I just personally don’t want to match with you because that’s not something I’m looking for.
You’re from the School of Hard Knocks. I don’t think I need to say anything.
You’ve just listed what you don’t want. I find that so off-putting. It’s just super negative and doesn’t make you seem easy to get along with. The aim of the game with any dating is to make an instant connection. I’m not saying that always happens or that it always works out and maybe it even goes away if you do find it but I think that instant connection is something we all crave. Maybe I’m weird, but I feel like I can tell within minutes if I can’t be bothered to talk to someone any longer, if I’m kind of in the middle and happy to get to know them or if *they* are the only one I’m waiting for a message back from. I think that’s quite a clear sign and no way is bitter Mr Stroppy going to be *that* guy for me. So, it’s a no from me, grumps.
Some of these aren’t even unreasonable, no one likes deciphering group photos and I don’t want a match with someone who’s drinking every night if I’m not into that but do you *seriously* need to list this as your bio? You complain that girls have nothing better to say about themselves than that they like to drink but you have literally NOTHING to say about yourself. Your profile is about negative traits in other people. You just seem like a dickhead, so, nope! That also goes for the guy that said “remember, girlies” as part of his bio. I don’t think I even read the rest, you patronising arse.
Again, no ones looking for an unfunny, slobby brick wall wearing a dog filter but this is YOUR bio. All you have to define yourself is the things you hate about women, it’s weird.
There’s tonnes of bios where I don’t even know what to think; is this funny, are you serious, please just write something else…anything else. This ‘attention grabbing’ bio just makes me roll my eyes so far back I don’t know if I’ll ever see again:
You have about as much of my attention as I give to my plants. They all died.
You are already telling me what to do. I haven’t even spoken to you yet and already you’ve demanded “No kitten heels or flats on a date night” – I don’t wear kitten heels, but for you, I will wear fifteen pairs around my neck because you’ve already pissed me off. I will literally leave the house right now just to purchase these shoes.
You think you’re a nice guy and your bio asks me if I “want to be treated right for a change?” I hate it, shudder, to the left, to the left. Usually goes along with things like, you’ll treat me like a lady or something about the finer things and wining and dining twinned with a sexist remark. Yay!
You are generally odd.
*tumbleweed*…Another guy had the lyrics of Teddy Bears Picnic filling his bio.
OR it could be your photo. I totally understand that if you work out, especially a lot, that you want to show off your body but I do think there are ways to do that that won’t kill my soul during the endless left scroll. Maybe *not* a mirror selfie smothered in oil, for example? Maybe not a photo of you topless, flexing when there’s not really anything going on. Or the opposite and your photo was just a close-up of your vascular, muscly thighs which are wider than my hips and I’m freaking the fuck out. You don’t even have your face in the photo, I’ve swiped left. There’s so many photos of men flexing their biceps paired with swearing at the camera (or me as the viewer) …why would I like that?! I can tell if a guy works out from normal photos, stop trying so hard.
Your photo was you completely nude. Sure, you’re covering your bits with your hands but I can see your pubes. It’s also the 18th of January and you’re wearing a god damn Christmas hat.
It looks like you party too hard. One 30 year old man has a photo of him with his head in the toilet and refers to himself as “single”….does that mean he’s not “single”? I’m so confused. I’m not a party animal myself and it’s not something I’m looking for. My birthday last year I managed to get through three bottles of prosecco and I don’t think I need to say that, yes, I was pretty unwell. Maybe he’s just looking for someone to hold back his hair and rub his back.
You look way older than your age says. I am SO sure that a lot of men are lying on Tinder, either that or late twenties has become the new late forties. There was even a picture of a man asleep on the sofa, as if he’d nodded off during the six ‘o’ clock news. It was his main profile image. Another describes himself as a “balding, over-weight, miserable git”and I’m so attracted to him that I accidentally swipe left instantly.
I don’t like your style. This ones obviously completely personal but I don’t really go for beards, handlebar moustaches, long hair or anyone with a really off-putting dress sense. This guy rocks though, I almost swiped right:
Your photo looks like a horror still. One man is sitting on the top of a park bench, in the dark, hood up, smoking. You’re 26 but you look 14. Regardless of how reminiscent this is of my teenage years, smoking is a deal breaker. LEFT! There’s lots of photos of men with guns and even one of someone next to some kind of dead, rotten thing. Not sure what, possibly his last Tinder date. I don’t want to be next so I swipe left as quick as I can.
Your photo was you licking some kind of fake tit. Left.
Your photo isn’t of you. It’s of your Skyrim character, maybe this would work if I played Skyrim. I don’t and I have no idea what you look like – there’s nothing to make me swipe right so I swipe left. This includes group photos that I can’t decipher, too. Who are you!?
Your photo makes me sad. If your picture is you cuddling one of those half-tranquelised tigers at some tourist attraction, I’m not gonna like it.
Your anthem is terrible. Anything I really don’t like might help persuade me to a left-swipe unless you have some redeeming feature on your profile. One really silly thing that’s starting to grate is the men with ‘Fake Love’ by Drake as their anthem. Going to admit right now that I don’t know what it is but literally every man that already has what I consider to be a bad bio tops it off with this tune. It doesn’t seem good. Sorry Drake.
Read more from this series: